The lettuce industry was riding a wave of popularity unmatched by those of other leaves. Their boasts of triple washes, however, has now come to an end.
With increased interest in “root” vegetables, the industry has had to fight back, after losing share to carrots, rootabagas, and radishes.
“We simply do not have the resources to wash our lettuce three times,” an industry spokesperson, Clive Endive, reported. “And besides, do you wash YOUR lettuce more than once, those rare times when you get off your a** and buy an actual head of lettuce rather than our packaged product?”
While saving on water, time, and ultimately the bottom line with one less wash, not everyone is happy with the news.
“I can understand cutting corners,” one enraged consumer said, showing us the leftover grime on a leaf of lettuce resulting from only two washes, “But this is unacceptable. Washed only twice? Who does that?”
An industry insider reported it’s been very tough for employees to acclimate to the new change.
One worker, on the condition of anonymity, reported that he is still sneaking in a third wash for some of his lettuce runs.
“I have seen some … things I want to unsee, after this ban went into effect,” he reports. “Two washes are not enough. We are heading toward a health crisis, and I don’t want that dirt on my hands. Or on my lettuce.”
Another consumer said, “The first time, you remove the scum of the EARTH. The 2nd time, you remove the itty bitty bacteria and e-coli – you ever heard of e-coli? That settles in these little crinkles here. BUT IF YOU DON’T wash it a 3rd time? I don’t even want to talk about what you’ll be eating. But it ain’t lettuce.”
It remains to be seen whether or not the lettuce industry will respond to the consumer outrage. But it is not likely. On this, Mr. Endive concluced, “Wash your own lettuce. Stop being so godammed lazy.”